


I Want To Hold Your Hand

by CynicalBonehead



Category: Smile For Me (Video Game)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Homophobic Language, Homosexuality, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, The Beetles solve all gay tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 08:46:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19314697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicalBonehead/pseuds/CynicalBonehead





	I Want To Hold Your Hand

The clock ticked and tocked; as the much too quiet office stayed unbusy. All except for Dr.Habit, whom was sitting at his desk, and looking over at his most recent patient files. Returning to regular dentistry was quite a chore, but his therapist told him it would keep him afloat until he could chase his florist dream. 

Therapy had helped him see a lot of things a bit clearer as of late. Not everything became as clear as he wanted. 

'It takes time.' He would be told. 

Perhaps it was childish of him to be so impatient. He wanted answers about himself. Why was he so confused about whom he was attracted to? Was he a bad person for not liking women? What about men?  
Society had told him so for a very long time.  
It was only by chance, that his therapist was an open minded individual. The self negative thoughts would not go away on their own. He was told to shut them out, easier said than done. However, it never stopped him from trying. 

As he received treatment, there was something else that became clear. Kamal wasn't doing too good.  
They had made up with each other, but Kamal hadn't been quite the same since. 

He was shakier and dodgy. His eyes almost had a distant look to them.  
Was Kamal always like that?  
No. He could have sworn, that before he "fell off his rocker," that Kamal was different.  
He had a softer look in his eyes. Sure the guy was anxious...but not to this extent. 

Was it even his place to worry about Kamal to this extent? Surely male friends express emotional distress to each other, or talked things out.  
Not to his memory. Though he never liked the ideals of masculinity like that anyway. A man could be open about himself, his therapist told him so. 

With a heavy sigh, he decided to ease his tired mind with a classic tune from his past. He pulled out a record sleeve from his bookshelf, and brushed the cover gently with his hand.  
The cover read: Meet The Beetles!  
Those half silhouettes of the 4 men, was always a comforting sight to him. Of course all of their albums were. Though, that one in particular drew him in for some reason.

He made sure to check if his record player was properly cleaned, before sliding the record in it. Right as the first song played, he froze in place.  
It was 'I wanna hold your hand.'  
Habit looked at his own hands and entwined them with each other. He could feel his own warmth, but something felt missing. He wanted to hold someone else's. Habit tried to imagine that he was holding someone else's hand.  
To his surprise, it was Kamal. He looked just how Habit remembered. It made a warmth spread through his whole body. To have Kamal smile smile like that, at him, it made him feel a different type of happy. He could feel the blood rush to his face, as it heated up. 

A knock on his door brought Habit back to reality. He wasn't expecting anyone.. unless-  
He turned around to see who was walking in. Speak of the devil. It was Kamal.  
Although, it was almost disappointing to see the current state of him, instead of the Kamal he remembered. Kamal's hair looked freshly brushed, but so much that it was poofier than normal. His eyes didn't have that sparkle that Habit knew, not to mention that they looked a bit puffy.

"Here is the insurance statement you needed for Mrs.Morres." Kamal almost looked robotic. 

"Ah..thank you." He took the papers from Kamal, and fidgeted with them a little. 

Kamal glanced at the record player, still playing the last bit of 'I wanna hold your hand.'  
"Interesting...choice of song." There was great hesitance in Kamal's voice, almost as if saying that hurt him. 

Habit stood up a bit straighter, catching onto Kamal's tone. This was not a simple case of the blues. He had to figure out what was wrong.  
"Kamal...can we talk for a moment?" 

Kamal's expression changed slightly, with the raising of his brows. "Sure, what's up?" 

Habit leaned on his desk, as he set the papers down. "I'd...like to ask you the same thing."

His facial expression finally changed, with him nervously smiling and chuckle. Habit could tell that it was more hollow than anything.  
"I don't...know what you're talking about.." His eyes avoided looking at Habit's.

"Kamal, you aren't the most convincing liar." His expression softened to one of concern. "I mean...we are friends...right? Friends tell each other what is wrong...Yes?"

Kamal bit his lip a little. His hands were tightly gripping on his pants legs, as if he was debating to even to open his mouth. "I...."  
Then, he began to chuckle. It was a soft laugh, it confused Habit greatly. Until Habit saw tears falling from Kamal's face. He was laughing and sobbing at the same time.  
"I'm so pathetic.. ahahaha.... hahahhaha...."

"Kamal, I don't understand.."

Kamal looked at him, his expression now contorted with sadness with a smile on his face. "I couldn't even be there for you without my own disgusting feelings getting in the way." He leaned his back on the wall, holding himself while continuing to laugh."I thought I could do it. I thought I could be your friend and move on from my revolting...unnatural feelings...but they keep coming back like a sickness." He chuckles."It might as well be."

Habit was starting to piece things together, the way he was speaking was too familiar to Habit. Almost like he was looking into a mirror. "Kamal, you are the clean-est guy I know-"

"I'M NOT CLEAN!! HOMOSEXUALITY ISN'T CLEAN!!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN BORN THIS WAY!!!!" Tears were pouring from his face. "If....I...wasn't such a coward...I-I could have been there for you when you really needed me.. I could have been just your friend.." His voice started to crack badly. "Why did I turn out to be a good-for-nothing faggot...."

That word. The one word that came out of Kamal's mouth, sent a shockwave through Habit's body. His father loved that word. It was used against him, whenever he acted out of turn. Now he knew why that look on Kamal's face was so familiar, he did the exact same thing to himself. The feelings were overwhelming him a little, he couldn't move. Kamal looked at him, like he was expecting Habit to say something. 

Kamal weakly laughed. "I knew it....I...shouldn't be around you anymore. You deserve better.." Tears welled up in his eyes. "I'm sorry Boris." He then turned out of Habits office and made a run for it. 

The fear rang loudly in Habit's mind. He couldn't let Kamal leave. He was a danger to himself in that moment, he HAD to stop him. Habit finally felt his feet move. He tore through his office door and booked it into the waiting room. Kamal flinched, not expecting Habit to run after him at all.. Habit pulled him out of the elevator, just as the doors almost shut. Kamal just stared up at Habit with a confused, scared look. Habit knew it all too well. 

"Why..did you come after m-"

Kamal was cut off by Habit pulling Kamal into a hug. A hug that he tried to speak through, tight enough to show he was scared, but also to show that he cared. Kamal had gasped when he was suddenly held close to Habit's body.  
It was.  
Comforting.  
His hands trembled, as he slowly reached around Habit. He hadn't been held in such a long time, Habit too. His breath was still shaky, but he stayed clung to Habit. He only spoke when he felt the energy to, between his sobs.  
"I...thought..y-you'd hate me...A man..havi..ng a crush on you isn't normal.."

Habit thought for a moment, he had to be careful about what he said. Kamal was in no shape at all to be lied to, or torn down. He had to put whatever he had out there, that could help his broken friend.  
"I don't hate you Kamal....You." He took a deep breath. "You are more than who you like. a-and..you aren't at all like that...horrid stereotype people painted for so long."

Kamal's voice shook. "How do you know that....I..failed you-"

"Stop. Kamal. Please" Habit felt his own eyes tearing up. "I...I don't know what i feel for you, but it. It..." He bit his lip, he could do this. He could do this. "It is more than a friend.. I'm still figuring myself out, you know that. I do know that, if you suddenly left me, I'd be incredibly sad. Please....don't do it again..I want you to be around me."

Kamal laid his head against Habit's chest, his breathing finally sounded like it was slowing down. 

"Oh!" Habit tried to hide his smile. "I'm surprised you listened to my advice."

He looked at Habit with slight confusion. "What?"

Habit fidgeted with his fingers behind Kamal's back. "Because... I'm the 1/5 th doc-tor." He crossed his fingers that maybe, just maybe Kamal would laugh. Something to show him that Kamal would be okay.

Kamal tried to hide his own smile, and Habit could hear the sound of a muffled chuckle. "Your jokes are stupid Boris..."

"What does that say about you my friend? You laughed at it." 

Kamal groaned lightly and hid his face in Habit's jacket. His smile was as bright as a healthy sunflower, to Habit at least. "Okay....I'll. I'll stay." 

Habit smiled softly and hesitantly leaned his head on Kamal's. He could still hear his Beetles record playing in the background, so he started humming to it. Not long after, Kamal did. They just sat there on the ground, holding each other as they let themselves get swept away by the Beetles. For the first time, Kamal felt at sound with himself and the secret he hid for so long. Maybe.  
Maybe Habit wasn't the only one who needed to give themselves, some self love.  
He just closed his eyes, and breathed.


End file.
